My fair minions,
It has come to my realization that I should clarify the current state of Chez Gay. I enjoy sharing my incredible thoughts and talents with you little freaks, yet I also enjoy not having to come up with things to post about, so I’m in a state of in-betweenness, for lack of a better term. Wait, there is a better term. Limbo. But you people would be confused about my meaning.
I have kept this to myself, but I feel the need to register my discontent. After ”Taylor’s Tasty Nuggets” hit the shelves, I received complaints from folks that some grocery stores were not carrying the product. “Let your grocer know you want this cereal,” I advised. But you people went completely maniacal (more so than usual). I then received complaints from grocery store managers all over the country, telling me to control my pests. You crazies went too far, tying up cashiers in restrooms, knocking over displays and eating grapes that you didn’t pay for (those cost money, people!). That’s not the way to get what you want!
In hindsight, I should have posted an instructional manual here, regarding the correct way for you to request the cereal. Instead, I decided to take a brief sabbatical, in order to reflect on my role as the Gray God’s earthly representative.
My short leave of absence felt nice. It reminded me of my carefree moments as a child, when I’d play stickball on the roof with a squirrel and a rusty cucumber. “Get off my roof, ya idiot,” dear old Uncle LaQuisha would say. Nothing pleased me more than to beat the old coot with the squirrel. Ah, youth.
Yes, I enjoyed my time off. But we’ve become like your average dysfunctional family here, and you know my famous sensitivity, so I wanted to return to my faithful flock. Yet with the current online state of affairs, it seems almost unfashionable to continue, and “Gay Passé” is not in my dictionaray.
So, to make a short story long, I don’t know if I’ll be making another blog post. If so, see you soon. If not, thanks for your sweet minionship.
<applause goes here>
“Beating the old coot with a squirrel” — is that the same thing as spanking the dancing monkey???
Which then raises the timely question. If a monkey is already dancing, then is it really in need of the spanking? Would this also require spanking the dancing monkey into submission – or is this just a heartfelt tap to obtain a more spirited performance out of the primate?
Is this a large dancing monkey or one of from the miniature collection? Is there a class one can take in the more perfected art of dancing monkey spanking??? (I’m aware of publications which can assist in this form of ‘guerilla warfare,’ but to my knowledge, no instructional manual exists).
What was the topic again????????????????
I feel like I must defend myself here! I was one of the minions who tied up a cashier in a restroom, but I can assure you it was strictly recreational, and had nothing to do with the appalling lack of Taylor’s Tasty Nuggets on their shelves!
I went to my local Sleezee Mart to buy some Tasty Nuggets, and when I saw there were none on the shelves, I immediately burst into tears. A friendly, and quite attractive cashier saw me and took pity on me. He asked me what he could do that would make me feel better. So I pulled out the length of pink velvet rope I keep in my purse at all times, for just such occasions…
Long story short, his manager did not feel as if his efforts to console me fit the Sleezee Mart customer service standards, and my darling cashier had to make up a story quickly to avoid losing his job.
I hope our Masterfully Macho Man of Music will forgive me my indiscretion! If he’s really upset about it, I still have that pink velvet rope!
Gay, I can assure you that I was not one of horde of overzealous cereal lovers! I am shocked and appalled by the lack of reasonable cognitive thought that goes into some peoples’ decisions for action.
After visiting all 723 supermarkets in my metropolitan area, and doing a shelf count at each location, and placing the number of units in my Excel spreadsheet, I hand wrote a thank you note to each store manager who had Taylor’s Tasty Nuggets on the shelves.
While I was in the stores, I did notice that some of them did not have the Tasty Nuggets placed appropriately, and so moved them to a more prominent location. I also noticed, while I was doing this, that some of the stores had Daughtry Doughy Dots much more prominently displayed! I’m sure Simon Cowell is behind this sinister plot to destroy sales of Taylor’s Tasty Nuggets. I think the fact that our Enlightened Entrepreneur signed a contact with Kelloggs, instead of Post, has a lot to do with their continued snubbing of our guy.
As you can see, my behavior, in no way, could ever be deemed obsessive or potentially harmful. I just wish the rest of the Gay family was more like me.